I have decided to give up on understanding what makes my body gain weight and what makes it lose weight!  Everything that I think would make me gain doesn’t.  Tell me how to make sense of this:

I started out on this journey 139 days ago eating around 1200 calories a day, drinking as much water as I could possibly force down my throat, and exercising 6 days a week.  After the first probably two months I lost about 15 lbs then hit 140ish.  Then, it would fluctuate between 140 and 145 week after week after week.  So after a couple of months of this I worked out less and less and ate more and more and did not pay attention to the calorie content of what I was eating one bit.  I continued to weigh myself weekly and my weight continued to hang between 140 and 145.  I haven’t worked out regularly in weeks and I have eaten whatever whenever I wanted and I weighed today (feeling extrememly fat and expecting to be 150 at least) and I weigh 140…again/still however you want to look at it. 

WTF????  I don’t get it and it makes it really hard to start my exercise back up and watching what I eat when I haven’t exercised and I’ve ate whatever I wanted for months and have not gained!!  What I have to beat into my brain is that my goal is not 140.  I am comfortable here but it is not my goal. 

My fear is that I start sweating it out at the gym and I still don’t lose or worse I gain…  Logic would say that won’t happen but logic would also say that if you don’t work out and eat whatever you want you will gain weight and that has not been the case for me. 

I’m never going to fully understand my body.  I have to accept that.  Going forward this is how I am going to approach this journey.  Maybe I haven’t gained because I have gotten my stress levels under control.  So I am going to continue to not obsess and stress over food and exercise.  And the one thing I do know and understand is that I feel better when I exercise so that should be motivation enough to get my butt in the gym more often. 

I hope everyone is doing well and had a great weekend!

This is for the grown folks which I think most everyone who reads my blog falls in that category.  All of the sudden my sex drive is like BAM!  High gear!  I don’t know what’s up and Trevor sure as hell is scratching his head lol.  This is a big deal because up until a couple of weeks ago my libido was way way low.  The sex between Trevor and myself is better than any two people deserve I just never wanted to do it but once we started I was glad we did.  He, like any man, always wants it lol.  I think there are several factors that have played a part in this jump start in my sex life.  It really started when I started feeling comfortable in my skin.  Before I lost the weight that I’ve lost so far, I could never truly believe that Trevor was attracted to me because I was so repulsed by my naked body.  Now, I’m by far not a playboy playmate but my image no longer sets off my gag reflex.  Another turning point was when we were watching a stand up comedy act one night on TV.  The comedian was talking about women worrying about their man cheating and why men cheat.  He said that it was our right as a human being to refuse to have sex or perform certain sexual acts on our partner but that everything we refused to do ten other women were more than willing.  I worry about Trevor cheating and this made me question why I worried about that.  The answer was obvious:  because I knew that I was not satisfying him and that someone else would given the chance.  It is pretty clear if you don’t want someone else doing it to him then you better be doing it to him.  The other thing that changed was our holiday weekend spent together.  We had so much fun together I think it surprised both of us a little.  After 4 and a half years, things are pretty much day to day not much excitement or variation in our schedule.  Last weekend reminded us of why we fell in love in the first place.  Another thing that happened last weekend is he took me ring shopping :).  I still bust out in a huge grin when I think about it.  It was totally him too.  We were shopping in this outdoor mall in our town, it was getting late, and we were about to head to a restaurant for dinner.  He said there was one more place he wanted to go so I followed and he started walking in the jewelry store.  It was the moment I had been waiting for for so long I just froze.  I had to take a few deep breaths because I thought I was going to cry and I didn’t want to look like a psycho walking in the store crying.  It was so fun and cute.  He was asking the sales lady all of these questions and I sat there slowing figuring out that all of this time that I was thinking I was the only one wanting to get married he had been thinking about it too.  I didn’t find one that really blew me away but it was still a great moment.  BUT, I did find the ONE the very next day when he took me to another store.  It is AMAZING!  It was so funny because he knew as soon as I saw it and tried it on that I was in love.  He said my face did not light up even close to that when we were at the other store.  I do love it and I’m sure he will buy it for me because it is in our budget now is just the waiting game for when and how :)  Realizing that he truly wants to marry me was the biggest turn on of my life lol.  What I’m beginning to realize is that sex is like a drug for every problem you have.  You had a bad day?  You’re broke?  You’re stressed?  You’re mad?  You’re bored?  Having sex will cure all of that!  Something that I read in a magazine a long time ago was that when you are having a fat day you should have sex.  My thoughts on that were always if I feel huge why would I want to get naked infront of someone?  I kind of get what they were saying now.  Sure I may feel uncomfortable at first but when I see how turned on my man is I understand that what I feel is not what he sees.  When we feel fat, we automatically think we look fat but that is not the case.  Yeah we may be for real bloated but bloat is not something I man will pick up on.  Body image is such a serious issue for women and we need to get a grip!  Men don’t stand in the mirror analyzing every inch of fat on their body…unless they are tools.  They 100% expect us to be turned on by them regardless of how they look.  We should take some pointers from them and relax and accept our bodies.  Imperfections are what make us who we are and we are all beautiful!  Okay I’m off my soap box lol.

Bride-To-Be Dies After Extreme Crash Diet

by Martha Edwards (Subscribe to Martha Edwards’s posts)
Sep 9th 2009 5:00PM

Categories: Diet & Weight Loss

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Samantha Clowe never wanted to be a ‘fat bride,’ and now, sadly, she won’t be one at all. The obese 34-year-old, who was looking forward to her upcoming nuptials, died after an intense crash diet. Described as “fit and healthy” by her family, Clowe lost 42 pounds in 11 weeks on the controversial Lighter Life Diet, which restricts dieters to just 500 calories a day.

We’re all aware that crash diets aren’t great for you, but you can die from them? You bet — and this isn’t even the first time this diet has killed someone. Just last December, a mother of five died after drinking 4 liters of water, as was recommended by the program. Amazingly, you need your doctor’s consent to sign up for the program. Is anyone else having a hard time believing that a trained medical professional would give the OK for this kind of extreme diet?

Lighter Life, of course, claims no responsibility: “We were very sad to hear the news about Samantha … but the coroner said it was very difficult to make such a connection (between Clowe’s death and diet.)” Dr. Martin Scurr, medical correspondent for The Daily Mail notes that Clowe’s death is “unlikely to be the fault of the diet itself,” but thinks the stress the diet put on the heart was most probably the biggest contributor to her death.

The bottom line? A diet that involves fewer than 800 calories a day is unhealthy, downright dangerous and not worth the risk, regardless of how fabulous your skinny jeans are. It’s such a shame that two desperate dieters have lost their lives before figuring this out, but we hope their stories can help keep others from making the same mistake.

You can lose weight the healthy way — read some of our success stories for inspiration.

As some of you know, a couple of weeks ago I was extremely overwhelmed with the curve balls life had thrown at me and I had struck out so many times that I threw myself out of the game.  I just had to take a step back from all of the things that were stressing me out or I felt that I was going to lose it.  I have thoroughly enjoyed myself these past few weeks that I have been MIA and I have gradually taken back on my responsibilities.  I have learned that all I can do is all I can do.  I can’t snap my fingers and instantly have a job I love…I may never have a job I love but what I realized is the job I have is a long way from where I started…waiting tables for 6 years.  Instead of sitting around waiting for a better job that pays more, I’m taking what I have now and moving forward with my life.  I make enough to do the things that I want to do such as buy a house.  It may not be the fantastic house that I dream of but right now who’s first house is their dream house?  It is time to be realistic.  I can’t make my great grandmother not have alzheimer’s and I can’t bring my mother and grandmother back from the dead to help me take care of her.  This is life and it is what I have been dealt and I have to deal with it to the best of my ability.  I can’t snap my fingers and lose weight but I can stay active and make smart decisions about what I eat.  My outlook on this weightloss thing has completely changed from when I started.  Yes I was all about the diet and exercise hard core when I first began this journey and it worked…for awhile.  But reality is life is too stressful for the majority of people right now to be counting every little calorie and to be beating up our yourself when you don’t make it to the gym.  So now I do what I can.  The eating isn’t a big deal for me because that is not my problem it never was.  I like healthy food.  I really do and I’ve realized that with minimal exercise (a bike ride here and there) I can maintain the weightloss I have achieved.  I haven’t gained or lost anything in like a month which is great because I am fine where I am at.  I would like to lose more but I am not going to obsess over it.  I am going to try to up my exercise to a few times a week.  I like exercising and it is a great way to escape when I am stressed.  I just can’t let it turn into a stressful aspect of my life like it was.  I’m not going to gain weight if I don’t go to the gym.  That is something very important that I have learned.  So now I can stop beating myself up about it.  If I go to the gym, great I will have a better chance of dropping a pound or two but if I don’t the worst that is going to happen is I’m not going to lose.  I’m used to not losing :)  I am content and happier and have a better outlook on life than I have had in a long time :)  I’m sorry that I ditched on all of my great buddies but I am back now and I hope to find you all doing well.

So yes I have been MIA for a while like maybe a week I don’t really know but it has been a very very eventful and challenging week.  It was my birthday on Saturday and it was not the day of fun and relaxation that I expected and needed it to be.  But I am over that now and it isn’t even worth going into.  Sunday was pretty much a disaster.  The lovely great aunt that I blog about that makes mine and my great grandmother’s life a living hell decided to rain some more terror down on me in the form of supposed restraining orders on my father and the woman I have coming by to take care of my granny.  Then, she accused me of taking granny to a psychiatrist…wow.  So I’ve pretty much had enough of her shit and it is time for her to pay for what she has done and what she is doing hopefully by spending the rest of her miserable life on house arrest.  We shall see.  Then, amidst all of this bickering I decide that my boyfriend has crossed the line too and I break up with him Sunday night after four and a half years.  Anyone ever broken up with someone they lived with?  Not fun…  So we have a nice chat about it yesterday and decide that we aren’t moving forward and we need to take some time apart to figure out if we want to continue on to the next step or if we would be happier alone.  Great…except that I can’t do it and neither can he.  No food and no sleep and lots of crying for 2 days was enough to show both of us that we are happier together even if we aren’t moving forward than we would be apart.  So now I think maybe I can come back to the world.  I am exhausted today and literally falling asleep at my desk but that’s okay I will catch up tonight I suppose.  The only thing that I can be at this point is hopeful.  Hopeful that life will take a turn for the better because it can’t get much worse.  Thank you all for your support but until things are worked out in my life my focus will be on things other than weight loss.  I will still be around to drop the occassional blog comment and I am not giving up on my journey just prioritizing.  Good luck to all of you and keep up the good work!

So today is the day that we are going after work to buy bikes!!  I’m so super excited and I am really hoping to get a leisurely ride in this evening when we get home.  It has been a long time since I rode a bike so I’m a little wobbly lol.  This is just going to be a way more fun and interesting way to be active than going to the gym and it is something that my boyfriend has committed to doing with me which makes it so much better! 

My last blog I talked about getting back into the routine that I know works for me and that resulted in my consistent weekly weightloss.  Well, that is proving harder than I thought…  I did workout last night but we had Zaxby’s for lunch today (for those of you who don’t know Zaxby’s is some of the best fried chicken tenders you have ever tasted!)  Why didn’t I get the salad with grilled chicken???  Where has my will power gone?  I’m going to get it back but I am going to have to become obsessive like I used to be.  When I was ordering today I didn’t even think about it.  Back then I would have been so racked with guilt I would have stopped and instead ordered the salad with grilled chicken.  I don’t know if it is because I am “okay” with my body now and when I first started I was miserable or what it is but it was easier to start the first time than to start over this time!  I’m going to do it though.  I’M GOING TO DO IT!

I spent a couple of hours yesterday studying up on stress management and help with anxiety and most of the articles I read mentioned meditation.  I think that practicing this would really help me chill but the problem is you need complete quiet…that never happens in my house unless we are asleep!  I’ve also thought about Relecore.  I know that it advertises as a weight loss drug but when I was taking it it was more of an anti anxiety medication.  I didn’t lose any weight but it relaxed me in a very natural way.  Not to the extreme that I didn’t care about anything or I couldn’t function through my day but just to the point where if it was something little that I would normally stress over I would just let it roll off of me.  Obviously meditation and exercise are better, healthier, more natural ways to manage stress but remembering the emotional results I had with Relecore makes it tempting! 

So I have been hovering between 141-144 for…awhile.  I’ve handled the lack of significant weightloss/not meeting my second mini goal pretty well probably because I’ve been too stressed out about other things.  Today was the first time I’ve really taken the time to think about why I am not losing.  The answer seems pretty cut and dry to me:  I am no longer doing what I was doing when I was consistently losing every week.  Well duh.  Of course that is why I’m not losing now.  Back then I was eating around 1200 calories a day.  Now, I am getting closer to 1500 calories a day.  Back then I was drinking about 100oz. of water a day.  Now, I am drinking maybe 32oz….and getting headaches probably from dehydration because I’m not drinking anything else either besides milk lol.  Back then I was exercising religiously 6 days a week.  Now, I have a good week if I make it 2 days…  Back then I was logging my calories every day.  I haven’t logged calories in about a week maybe two…  Back then I was consuming no refined sugar.  This past week I have started grabbing mini candy bars out of the break room…  So hmmm I wonder why on earth I’m not losing any weight????   Seems pretty freakin obvious now.  A harder question would be how have I not GAINED??  Another hard question is how and why did I get here?  I am still on this site every day except for Saturdays and Sundays.  I just haven’t been focusing on what I am here for.  I’ve blogged more about life than weight loss lately.  When I have blogged about weight loss I was simply complaining about not going below 140 instead of analyzing the WHY.  So now the HUGE question:  Can I get back to all of that?  I am trying to rid my life of stress because it is killing me so can I force myself to start stressing about weight loss again?  If I am going to stress about something it needs to be my weight and everything else is more than likely out of my control.  This journey to lose these extra pounds is mine and mine alone and it is up to me to make it happen.  So YES I can get back to the old me and the old routine and it starts today!  Well, actually tomorrow because today I’ve already had two mini dark chocolate hershey bars…  But tomorrow I’m back full force.  I like my body now but I don’t LOVE my body and my goal was never like it was LOVE and it was never 141 or 142 or 143 or 144 it was 120 and that is where it is staying and I WILL GET THERE!

I did have a fantastic weekend even though it was mostly spent without my honey which as I’ve written about before is really hard for me to do.  My girl’s night out Friday was awesome from going to a club that got a bit scary past midnight, to peeing next to some office building, to eating at IHOP at 3 am it was all a blast!  Saturday I spent the first half of the day with my honey shopping for the new bike he is getting me for my birthday.  So excited about that because that will be just another fun way to stay active.  Then, he went to the Titan’s preseason game Saturday night and I went to see The Proposal with my sister which was the funniest movie I’ve seen since the Hangover!  When the movie let out we still didn’t want to go back to our empty apartments so we grabbed some wine and headed to our friend’s apartment.  Sunday I had planned to spend the whole day with Trevor but I was rudely disappointed.  He made last minute plans to drive to a race in Bowling Green, KY.  I was pretty peeved but made the best of it by chilling at the pool with my sister until he got back.  It was really nice to spend so much time with her since normally we usually have our men or she has my neice so it was good to get in some quality alone time.  Food wise this weekend I sucked lol.  Had grilled salmon Friday (not bad), but IHOP completely fried appetizer sampler (bad), a chicken burger at Red Robin with garlic parmesan fries (bad) for lunch Saturday, Mexican Saturday night (bad), and Krystal’s for lunch on Sunday (bad).  Not to mention my fair share of beer and liquor Friday and Saturday night. 

On to why I am confused:  I lost a pound lol.  Now I’m pretty sure the reprecussions from my weekend food binge wouldn’t have shown up as soon as this morning so when I have gained about four pounds next week I will know why!  This weekend is not going to be any better.  We are going back home for about 3 different cookouts and it is my birthday on Saturday.  So another weekend with a lot of really tasty (not good) food and alcohol.  Oh well, it could be my last birthday so do I want to spend it sober munching on celery?  Um no. 

Reality check:  in today’s economy an expensive higher education doesn’t mean shit, your first house isn’t going to be your dream house, you can either spend your money on things you enjoy or pay off your debt which is no fun at all, you can stress until your hair falls out in clumps (like mine did this morning) or you can learn to roll with the punches life throws at you.  So it could be Tennessee’s job market or it could be the economy or it could be a little bit of both but after pouring over every job posting site and search engine I’ve decided I better take my job that I have now and go with it.  They all lied to us and peddled higher education to us for so long it was a form of brainwashing.  “Oh, as soon as you all graduate from this fine university you are going to land the job of your dreams and make so much money you won’t know what to do with it.”  Now hand over your tuition like a good student.  That my friends was bullshit.  Maybe not when I first started my undergrad but by the time I entered my grad program they all knew the economy was tanking and there would be nothing left for us by the time we got out.  New movie coming out Friday called Post Grad that is my life except I refuse to move back home.  So reality check is continue keeping my eyes open for a new opportunity but take what I have and use it to move forward.  This leads into reality check number two:  your first house isn’t going to be your dream house that you live in until the day you die.  Where did this notion come from?  Answer: the economy/the housing market.  Now we are advised that if you are going to buy a house you better like it because you probably won’t be able to sell it for another ten years.  That may be true but if I am waiting until we are financially able to purchase the 250k plus house that we dream of we will be living in an apartment for a long long time.  Everyone’s gotta start somewhere and at this point a house is a house.  It would be ours we would own it we would have a yard for the dogs to run and play in and enough space to have people over without sitting on each other.  Now it may not be all brick, it may not have double vanities and a jacuzzi tub with seperate shower in the master bathroom, and it may not have trey ceilings but it will be our HOME.  I will finally be able to stop sending everything to my parents address because I never know when we might move to a different apartment.  Our dogs will finally be able to run all of their energy out in a backyard instead of being cooped up in a tiny apartment.  Now, about money.  I have pangs of guilt when I know how much money we spend on going out to eat and out with friends and various other things that we throw our money at but we could die next month.  Do I want my last month on earth to be spent eating spam at home and frantically trying to pay off my car and student loans?  Or do I want to spend it riding bikes, going out to eat, taking weekend trips, going to the movies, living my life?  The answer is pretty clear now that I’ve thought about it.  Reality check number four (I think)  I stress WAY too much over mostly bullshit like the aforementioned reality checks.  I stress about marriage, a house, dogs, boyfriend, family, money, jobs, bills, every little thing I can think of I obsess over it.  The result:  I wake up with massive splitting headaches, it’s hard for me to lose weight, and my hair falls out in clumps in the shower.  I have to let it go.  Life is too short to stress over every little detail.  I need to live it and enjoy every minute that I have here before this journey that is life is over.  Everything has a way of working itself out and I just need to let it.  I can’t control every aspect of my existence. 

Okay well I know this has been long and you are a champ if you read all of it.  I hope everyone else had a great weekend too!

Yep, tonight me, my sister, and my best friend are headed out on the town.  It has been forever since the three of us went out so I am super excited!  The downfall:  free beer from 8-11  the up side:  we are going to dance all that beer off and then some!  I love to dance and it burns tons of calories.  Makes me wonder why I don’t dance around the house more often.  I have to find an outfit after work.  I love to shop but I hate shopping under pressure and I really have to find something because I can’t think of anything I already have that I want to wear.  Geez today is going to be a long day at work!  Have a great weekend everyone!!

It is hard to imagine that I have been going at this weight loss journey for 100 days straight.  Sometimes it seems like it and sometimes it doesn’t.  I hoped after 100 days I would have lost at least 20 pounds.  I’m close but I’ve been close for like a month.  I have bounced from 143 to 141 to 143 more times than I can count.  Every week I try to really get serious about dropping below 140 and every single one of those weeks I get derailed.  I know that it will happen if I just stay focused and stick to my diet and exercise but sometimes life gets in the way.  On a positive note, I was back home yesterday taking care of my great grandmother and saw someone I hadn’t seen in awhile.  We were carrying on a normal conversation and all of the sudden she blurted out wow you’ve lost a lot of weight!  All I could do was laugh it was so funny how it came out of nowhere.  She then told me that last year her and her husband lost about 50 pounds a piece and she had gained it all back because she had went back to her bad habits.  That is so sad because I know how hard it had to have been to lose those 50 pounds.  Even though I’ve only lost about 15 or 17 I am not going back because I have fought for those pounds.  I’ll get to my goal I know I will it is just going to take time with the way life is right now.  Too many other things stealing my attention away from my journey.  So my 100th day is kind of like my birthday next year will be.  I will be 25 and not where I planned to be at 25 but I know I will get there and in 20, 10, or even 5 years what happens today won’t matter enough to even be a memory.